starting to feel the end

its kinda funny how lots of us spent time at one's place to accomplish the most tedious requirement of the year-thesis. Oh well, I know pretty much that we area all third years and are yet to get to the final year and be released into the real world. but then, we needed to respond to the new curriculum they imposed just as we began our freshman year in nursing.
Thesis? oh yeah. that is perhaps the students' most defying role to take. :)) we are starting this early.and i swear, its no easy task. no one would attest that it is one anyway. we started this early, and with all the pressure present tonight, i am starting to feel that i am, indeed, near the end. i could be busy for the next few hours, days and months. this could even take my summer vacation away. but see, these days and months would pass so quickly i wouldn't notice that, yet again, i'm stepping to another block forward. this time to the real real big time world :)) oh yeah, pretty cheesy. perhaps its the tiring feel of tonight that drove me here, but nah, just agree with me. it is real. and it will happen.

thesis now. graduation soon.
but before that ever happens, i think i need to do my part tonight -study my portion for the colloquium tomorrow :)

queries

i don't wonder how most people say the time of your youth is the best time to do pretty much everything. truly, this is the best time to explore: this is the life of everything in between. and being in between means you are in the mean of everything that life has to offer. they say this is the best time for everything. the best time to party, to study, to decide, to learn, to seek, to understand, to experience, to fall in love, to.. to everything you could think of!! :))

what happens if you miss some of these? what happens if you missed out doing one? would you fail? would you regret you never did it in this most sacred time of your life?

i would have doubted everything people say about this time of our life. it's too vast to explain. it's too vague to put in to words. but i just wanna know, i just wanna ask (if i may not end up having the same vast or vague answers as how they define this stage) if i grew older, just a little more older.. without having one of the best things, they say, that you should have at this point in life. you know what i mean.

i could have been defined as a loser if i elaborate it too much but i am just wondering. just a simple "what if".
my friend and i often say that "God is still brewing the right match, so we'd have to wait a little more.. we do not want to fail anyway.. we all wish for happily ever afters anyway"
but for how long? i do not mean to sound as if i'm rushing things out but.. do i really miss half of my life if i didn't?
again, some people (the elders, usually) would say you need to accomplish this and that first before you could .. blah blah blah.. (i bet they were told of the same stuffs when they were young, so they thought about these stuffs too! :)) ) these are some of the few vast & vague definitions.

it's simple to a few. it's complicated for some. it's lovely for most. but very few are really blessed (if i say it right-blessed) to have the right match early at this point :)

i do not fancy anyone right now, really. but i am seeing some of my friends find theirs one by one and i felt like i'm being left behind. i know for myself i'm just the average, small for the age (well, petite), semi-attractive girl and i know i have no good chances if i don't try to improve me, which i really suck in doing, and if i let my ambitions come in my way (entering medschool, and medschool means forgeting pretty much everything about social life. haha). i even have this precognitions that i'd never be committed and be single all my life! :))

this is sounding queer already. people are not used of hearing this from me. well, i'm just wondering.

but in a few days, we'll see.

or even in a few months.

if not, in a few years..

or maybe after medschool..

or maybe... never at all?



ahk.. sucks :)) -->that's funny. hahah :))

auditory addiction

Music became my sole companion for a few years now. i bury myself with some everytime i travel to school and back. because of this, i became really attached to it..
i really dont pick or prefer certain kinds. i kinda appreciate all sorts of music but with a few exceptions of course (e.g. Korean pop music -hell!? can't even figure out what they're sayin!! :D )
for some reason, they appeal to my emotions too well they could tell what kind of day i had.
now i just wanted to share one of my current auditory addiction:

Katherin McPhee's Terrified

enjoy! :)

You by the light is the greatest find
In a world full wrong you're the thing that's right
Finally made it through the lonely to the other side

You said it again, my heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions

Watching the shadows burning in the dark
And I'm in love and I'm terrified
For the first time in the last time in my only life

This could be good, it's already better than last
And love is worse than knowing you're holding back
I could be all that you needed if you let me try

You said it again my hearts in motion
Every word feels like a shooting start
I'm at the edge of my emotions

Watching the shadows burning in the dark
And I'm in love and I'm terrified
For the first time in the last time in my only

I only said it 'cause I mean it, I only mean 'cause it's true
So don't you doubt what I've been dreaming
'Cause it fills me up and holds me close whenever I'm without you

You said it again my hearts in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star

Watching the shadows burning in the dark
And I'm in love and I'm terrified
For the first time in the last time in my only life


Terrified lyrics

the kind I never had :'(

I would like to share this video to everyone.
This video makes me really bend down and cry, it reminds me how imperfect my family became.
I wish I had one good old folk like this.

enjoy:)



video courtesy of Edward Wong.
nice nice video :)

Punchbag

I couldn't imagine how long this problem persisted and how long I have been able to tolerate it. For so damn long.. this has never improved. It makes me tied up to all responsibilities I am too young to handle.. far too young to.

This trouble taught me how any form of joy is the lust of the mind and all that is poor and sad is happiness.

The fact that the sole person of our place never enjoyed anything since this problem came is the greatest indication that we too, should share the same fate. When in fact, the only sin I had was when I was given under their supervision. Under their power.

Everything that pisses this person off would definitely be blamed to our existence in this rusted roof. I cant find any way or any reason to protest since everything I am living is under their provision. Every inch of happiness I receive would amount to the anger of this monster because I wanted to be so. This would be too vague to read but that's exactly what I feel. I dont want to put the blame to this person as obvious as it suppose to be. But I think, it wouldn't be so hard to guess :)

If you have done things out of concern, how else would you expect a person to pay you back?
I gave my utmost concern to this person when I was trying to find out a solution for this person's sake. Tonight, he was pissed off because of something I really know nothing of. Maybe seeing me triggered the angry animal inside so it immediately found a solution to stretch some bones-- find one good fault of mine to blame.

Alas, the monster was lucky. It found one good fault, and it occurred so timely since I just came from school, making me too tired to protest.
Oh well, and the punchbag was used again.

...

Surprisingly, I never cried. Not even a single tear came out. Attempts to.. yes. But crying per se, no. I guess I'm just too old to take this too seriously. I have grown with this 'tradition' anyway.

Well, disappointments accompany this fate, I suppose. I just had my 19th birthday last October 6, and they never knew it. Perhaps that's one of the most frustrating thing they do every year. Since this monstrous dilemma came, I never had a nice one ever again.

I guess one of the greatest thing you should feel during birthdays is that you should feel how special that day is, so you could get reminded that you are given another year to live, to improve and to mature. Since that birthday (and the past birthdays) never became memorable to me, maturity and all else never sank in me. I never act the way I ought to be as a 19 year old since there's no way to remind me I need to. Or, that there's no good memory to remind me that a year had gone, the mistakes were washed off, and I am refreshed to start all over again.
In my case, all these horrible things are stuck in me. I'll never grow old again. I'll never be mature enough to face life's race and its all their fault. All because they wanted to blame me for all their mishap.

If this is the way it should be then so be it. Oh well, that's life anyway :)

Payback time

Perhaps one of the most devastating typhoon the Philippines met in the new millenium was Ondoy. With its wind power reaching more than 120kph, the nerve-cracking storm swept most of Metro Manila especially Marikina, Cainta, Pasig and Antipolo. Having the storm signal number 3, it covered the grounds of manila with murky water flooding most of the highways disabling most of the biggest roads in the city, thus mnaking transportation impossible. Due to this, most of the people in travel were left stranded with no other option but to wade in the streets to get home on time. Some of them spent the night elsewhere than to risk their chances wading in the flood growing inch by inch.

The morning of September 26 was no less than an ordinary rainy saturaday when my dad woke me up. It had been raining since 4:00 am, or even earlier. Upon hearing the rain hitting like sharp needles on the roof, I decided not to go to my PE class that day and went back to bed immediately. I had long been anticipating for a game but since saturdays are always rainy days, we never had one since our very first game. The rain was present as usual that day except that the skies were heavily tinted with gray. In spite of these, I managed to finish the laundry and went staright to my bedroom to read my brother's almanac. A few minutes later, I was surprised to hear the people busily hovering in and out of the kitchen. I went out of my room and felt the cold rain water on my toes. It came from the backyard and went straight to the kitchen, making its way to the rest of the house. My dad, brother and uncle tried preventing the flood from coming in by blocking any possible entrance from the kitchen, including the door. I decided this ain't a watchful scene so i tried helping them too. I remembered, my brother and I noticed the rain water was shallowly accumulating when I was finishing the laundry. I told my uncle about this but then he just told me it would just drain up in a while. Hearing this, I ignored the little mass of water in the backyard as well and went on.

This incidence was a big surprise for us. It never happened in years. We have lived there for long but never felt such disaster before. But then, upon opening the television, I realized that the scenario was worse outside. I never heard of such plague as worse as this but I believe the news never lied. The flood in Marikina reached the roof of the residences. On accounts made by news anchors, it didn't took an hour to fill the whole of marikina. In a matter of minutes, the flood was instantly roof-high. Indeed it was like a nightmare. It never spared anyone. It ruined everything it could land on. Regardless of the status or value the people may hold, they were all rendered victims.

Soon, everyone was pleading for help. Searching for their lost relatives or mourning over devastated properties. Some are thankful for another chance to live, others felt hopeless. The whole of metro manila was mud. Soup-like mud. Knee-high and thick in consistency. It could harden with it anything lying underneath.

Upon watching the news, my body ached. Especially my shoulders, but it wouldn't amount to the pain all those people felt. They did not only lost a house, they do lost a home. In just one day, the friuts of their year-long labor was left tattered. All the hopes they established for years were all swept away. The dreams they were to fulfill was left a mere dream. The people they loved was taken away. All these in a matter of minutes. I couldn't imagine how scary this could be but all those faces painted it all. It was pain. Pure pain that ni morphine could suffice. Pure pain, both literally and figuratively.

After that day, I heard news from my colleagues that some of our batchmates were left stranded inside the university and stayed there for the night. Honestly, the flood was never a shock to all thomasians. But with the water waist high, it was a different story.

Perhaps one of the biggest reason to blame is climate change. this has been an issue for so long. Many are advocating to change the untoward acts of the people towards nature. In the end, the blame would always be pointed to us. All of these are the consequence of our actions.

Let us not make Global Warming just a fond internet topic. Let us help each other do something to stop it now.

A short story :)

Another free week for us since the university announced its first case of AH1N1 :))
so I started scribbling short stories.. anything that pops in my head :))


The wind. It never stopped blowing from the time I came in this new apartment. It even followed me from the airport to the cab on my way here. I need to go away. I need to escape from the ghost that was possessing me.

His face-lovely,handsome,more than any woman could dream of. He was introduced to me by our mutual friend. He was a fine young man. He told me fascinating things that awakened the child in me. Wondrous fantasies I have long forgotten because of maturity.

It never took long before I gave him my approval for he is more than perfect for me. From staying on the phone late at night, talking, to actually spending the nights with him. I never had any regrets. Though I could notice he never lose hold of the imaginary things he was telling me, I thought he was just being funny.

Until one thing made me realize- it wasn't fantasy. Thinking that the news would brighten him up, I told him happily one day that I conceive his child. To my surprise, his face blurred. Suddenly, he was sweating profusely and was looking abnormally sacred. He never looked at me, instead, he looked around me. Soon he was screaming, panting and crying hard like a child. The face I loved scared me like crazy that I wanted to run away.

It couldn't be any evil spirit, I thought. The time and place never suggested any signs of paranormal existence. So, at least, I know I should expect the worse.

I stood still. Then I slowly moved towards him. My heart kept pounding hard on its cage, breaking slowly. He was shouting to someone behind me when it was only I, trying to calm him down. Suddenly, he stood up, shaking. He took my arm tight, dragging me down the parking lot and threw me inside the car. He kept the frightened look in his face as I was evenly scared of what he was thinking.

Soon, he was racing the car to the empty highway whispering words I could barely understand. I started thinking to myself that if I never helped him now, it could be too late for him, for me and for our child. I started pleading and egging him to stop the car from speeding. i kept telling him there is nothing to fear about. That he could be fine soon if he would listen. but to my dismay, it appeared that he never heard me. He continued rushing fast in the empty highway, murmuring words I wouldn't want to know.

I was hoping for salvation. That at least someone: a cop, or a highway officer would notice this over speeding vehicle and do something, but no one's there. It's as if I am suffering the same amount of insanity at this very moment.

Thinking it was hopeless, I cried. Wishing I never knew him, that I never gave in to his physical beauty, that I should have notice this illness that could kill us from any moment now. I prayed, that if this is how I could reach my God, then so be it. But if I survived this ruthless journey, then teach me how to be me again.

The last bit of memory I could grasp was the merciless speed he was indulging. I opened my eyes to see myself lying safe on a clean, white bed on a hospital I use to work.
I'm alive. I survived.

My friends came rushing beside me the moment they knew I'm awake. They brought me here and stayed with me all night. They told me what happened. If I sound rude, forgive me, I also am a victim. Because finally, He's gone.

I couldn't remember how many years prospered since that merciless incident happened. I wouldn't want to know anyway. But today, I need to go away. I need to escape. The thought that almost killed me years ago is going back again. The ghost possessing me came back. Now I'm crying again. To think that the fruit of my own, and the man who almost killed us, suffers the same disease.

If the world turned away from me, I wouldn't want to know. But my child, my only child, like his insane father...
suffers Schizophrenia.


hahaha..

if it sound so shallow, forgive me :)
i know im so amateur :))